I follow this private investigator on social media based in California, and she typically follows people (mostly men) who cheat. Usually, a wife, partner, or significant other of some sort will reach out to her and ask her to surveil their man or partner. It reminds me of a new version of a television show from my youth in the 90s called Cheaters. It was such a scandalous and entertaining show.

As someone who is now in my 40s, divorced, and happily with my partner of six years, I look at these situations differently. I have always been fascinated with people, especially men, who decide to cheat, whether they emotionally cheat or physically cheat. It is such a massive betrayal when you could just divorce, leave, and then go do and have your shenanigans with others.

The Numbers Behind the Betrayal: When you look at the research, the numbers back up what we see on these PI accounts:

• Physical Infidelity: According to data from the Institute for Family Studies (IFS), roughly 20% of married men admit to physical affairs compared to 13% of women.
• Emotional Infidelity: When you factor in emotional affairs, secret romantic bonds, hidden texts, and deep emotional intimacy outside the relationship, studies from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) show that number jumps to nearly 45% for men.
• The Repeat Cycle: Studies show that 45% of people who cheat in one relationship will cheat again in their next.

The Refusal to Do the Work: People often blame emotional neglect or relationship problems for straying, but at a certain point, we have to talk about accountability. You cannot blame your partner or your marriage for your decision to step outside of it.

Instead of going to therapy or doing internal shadow work, so many men run to someone new. Why? Because the new person doesn’t know their past, their history, or their flaws. With a new person, you get to curate the narrative. You only show them the best, polished bits of yourself. They haven’t seen your downside, and you haven’t had to face your own baggage.

Men are also historically far less likely to seek professional help, statistically, women make up the vast majority of therapy clients, while men are far more likely to internalize issues or seek quick-fix external validation instead of doing mental health work. When you refuse therapy and self-reflection, you fall for the illusion that “the grass is greener.” But the reality is: the grass is green where you water it.

“Infidelity isn’t about a lack of love; it’s about a lack of accountability and the refusal to face oneself.”

Breaking the Cycle: This is why the cycle repeats: a man leaves his wife (or gets caught, divorced, and kicked out), gets with the affair partner or someone new, and eventually, the exact same issues pop up again. The newness wears off, real life sets in, and because he never dealt with his true internal issues, he does it all over again.

If you are unhappy, feeling unfulfilled, or struggling with your own identity, step up and be an adult. Go to therapy. Have the hard, uncomfortable conversation. Or simply walk away and leave. But running to someone else while hiding behind a curated version of yourself isn’t a solution, t’s cowardice, and it’s time we start calling it what it is.

Written by: Ameera Lorelai Kelly